Insecure

Insecurities are something that I have dealt with throughout most of my life. I'd like to think most of us have them; some more than others. Maybe I like to think that so I won't feel bad about having them myself. When I was a kid/teen they were probably at their worst. I think the things I didn't like about myself outweighed the few that I did. My insecurities were typical teenager stuff I guess. Weight being one of my biggest concerns. I remember my obsession with weight got so bad at one point that I began to starve myself. My mom had to supervise my meals. If I wanted to go out I had to eat at least half of whatever she put on my plate. I think that period really did a number on my body. I started getting black outs and migraines. Neither went away. My black outs are very sporadic for the most part now but my migraines are frequent. I look back at pictures and wonder what the hell was I thinking. I wasn't the hideous beast I thought I was. I always pray and hope that my girls don't go through the same bullshit, or at least not to the extent that I did.

Today at work I was chatting it up with one of the girls and she began to tell me about all her insecurities. That it's starting to interfere in relationships and the way she is around others. I couldn't help but think, "that's a bummer, man." I tried to pep-talk her the best I could. It was at that moment that I realized that I was no longer there. The things she was griping about were things that once concerned me, now I don't give a shit. I'm not saying that I don't have any insecurities anymore, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. It's just a trip how the things that once consumed me no longer do. Maybe it's age or just plain ol' maturity. Whatever it is I'm totally grateful for it.

When I tried to empathize with my coworker telling her that I had insecurities as well, she seemed shocked. She said I didn't look insecure, that I walk around with my head up high and always looked "ready to go." Not quite sure what that means, but I'll take it! It felt really good to hear that I portray that about myself. I had heard it before but never really felt it. This time, I felt it.

Again, I'm not saying I don't have insecurities because lord knows I still do. I just don't seem to let them run me like they use to. Sure I have my days where I need a good ego boost, some reassurance or a second (or third) opinion, but I feel good. God, I feel good. And it feels so amazing to accept myself for who I am.

I seriously feel like I just gave myself the biggest hug in the world.